It has been three weeks now since my father’s passing and five since my wedding. Happiness comes in various shapes and sizes since I’ve come to terms with life’s latest display of coincidences.
While I’ve been polishing the china, I secretly mourn the fact that I will not be able to share a birthday meal with either of my parents in them. And while I excitedly picked out the fabric for my furniture, I can’t help but wonder the many wonderful moments that this living room will live to see without a lot of the important people in my life. My husband has been generous and kind, allowing me space to wallow, cry and reminds me that it is okay to smile when a happy thought comes into my mind. Things have not been easy the past couple of weeks and with a surgery (his own) coming up next week, I can only say that when all is said and done; I have no doubt in my mind that I will be stronger. However, it all depends on how I decide to live the cards I have been dealt with.
We, the gatekeepers of our happiness, seemed to have released ourselves of this wonderful responsibility. I call it responsibility because it is in our hands, we own our feelings. However, this society seems to be misguiding us into believing that is NOT OKAY for us to feel, to say, think or promote our core emotions. And through this blocking process, a sequence of self destructive behaviors gets initiated with addictions to substances like food, alcohol, drugs or emotional dependencies on relationships (looking for constant approval, sexual favors and the liking…), we harm ourselves more than anything outside of us ever could.
In her book “Women’s bodies, women’s wisdom”, Christiane Northrup MD, states that “All emotions even those that are suppressed and unexpressed have physical effects. unexpressed emotions tends to stay in the body like small ticking time bombs… they are illnesses in incubation”. Being emotionally stuffed and binging on the next few attention demanding moments will only delay the inevitable. life is supposed to be lived and happily I might add.
A few weeks before my father passed away, he was admiring a humming bird and the lightness with which he carried his tiny body so quickly. Joyously or enviously, he admired the peace he seemed to fly off with. He then (my father) proceeded to ask: “why does it seem so difficult to be happy?” and my sister and I replied that it is not… It’s just a conscious decision that one has to make in order to be happy.
We then proceeded to discuss the many circumstances that could keep us from being happy. But! At last, we went through the blessings list and all of that “mischief or misfortune” did not seem that relevant.
Having gone to a therapyst for most of my adult life (if not all of it) and having worked closely with a fantastic women’s health and wellness expert and friend, Jessica McCleskey; the last 18 months of my life, the emotional build up seem to have found its place outside of me. I felt whatever had to be felt, screamed whatever had to be howled and cried my eyes to the point of exhaustion; sometimes by myself and sometimes next to somebody else. I mourn, I grief, and release the loss of my father 5 weeks after my wedding and rightfully so, thanked the universe for that last dance we got to experience the day of the hummingbird.
Experiences should be lived full throttle, no regrets and no do overs. So live the sadness along with the pursuit of your happiness because one does not exclude the other.